Parents, Require Obedience from your Children... but how?

Applying sound parenting advice to my own situation isn't as easy as it sounds.

This morning my friend Marcus sent me an article from John Piper titled “Parents, Require Obedience of Your Children.” I had read it before but it was a welcome reminder of the duties I have as a parent. Especially as a parent of kids in the younger years. It reminded me of a quote from author and pastor Paul Tripp that I often recite in my head about how important it is to do the hard work of parenting our kids at the ages of 2 and 5 instead of having the bigger battles at ages 12 and 15.

If you have a few minutes for a rabbit hole this morning give the article a read or at least a scan. The TLDR of scanning the paragraph headings will get you the main ideas. 

If you’re a christian parent I hope you resonate with Piper's article and the mandate that we have as parents to train our children now in the way of the Lord. Even though it’s hard. Even though it takes energy. Even though we won’t do it perfectly. Even though you may not have a model for it from your own childhood. Obedience to Christ begins in the home and it’s a recipe for true Gospel joy for the rest of your child’s life. It’s one way to bring the most love and joy to our kids' lives. 

Here’s the tension I see in carrying this out. If you’re reading this it’s likely that you agree. You’re probably thinking, “I’ve seen other parents at the school, the park or the store that don’t seem to require obedience from their kids at all, and that’s not me.” My goal is to require obedience but knowing exactly when and how to do that is another matter. 

Here’s a little chart to paint that picture if you’re like me and enjoy visuals.

Total permissiveness <-----------------------------------------------> Total Authoritarian

Under total permissiveness think: This parent let’s their child run the house in every way. There are no requirements and no rules. 

Under total authoritarian think: This parent will tell their child one time to complete a task and if it’s not completed there will be some severe consequences. 

I’m thinking most christian parents imagine themselves somewhere about here:

Total permissiveness <--------------------------------x----------------> Total Authoritarian

There’s a paragraph in the Piper article that struck me:

“One reason parents don’t require discipline is they have never seen it done. They come from homes that had two modes: passivity and anger. They know they don’t want to parent in anger. The only alternative they know is passivity.”

Oftentimes I think I conflate anger with engaged and proper parenting. I know I’m not the only one. I recently heard another dad say “If my kid talked to another adult like that I would drag him to the car and really teach him a lesson.” The other dads in the group kind of nodded knowingly as if that’s a model for good old fashioned way of fatherly discipline. 

Piper goes on in his point:

“There is good news: this can change. Parents can learn from the Bible and from wise people what is possible, what is commanded, what is wise, and how to do it in a spirit that is patient, firm, loving, and grounded in the gospel.”

Biblical and healthy parenthood takes patients AND resolve. It takes listening AND action. It’s certainly not angry. Our God is famously slow to anger. It takes knowing the heart of your child in particular and speaking to what will most winsomely show them the Gospel. I need to remember that we’re not looking for behavior modification so that I’m not embarrassed the next time I’m in public with this little person. What we’re looking for is a small heart genuinely inclined towards the good rebuke of the Gospel. This is going to look different for each kid and there isn’t a prescription that will work for all of them. With each new kid Marissa and I add to the family I’m increasingly struck by the reality that these are little people that God has fearfully and wonderfully made differently. I’m going to need to parent them differently. 

Have you ever noticed that when you’re driving down the highway anyone who passes going faster than you are, in your mind, is a maniac? Similarly, anyone driving more slowly is somehow an idiot. We over emphasize these small differences in our minds. I’m convinced parenting is like this. Very many of us are moving in the same direction, with similar strategies and speeds but there’s something about the human psyche that makes us over emphasize the minutia. The truth is we’re all somewhere on the spectrum and probably much closer to each other than we think. As we parent alongside members of our community it’s probably much more helpful to recognize our position in this journey and spur each other on than to pass judgement about the minor differences in strategy we’re each taking. Our kids are different people anyway with possibly very different needs and what works for me may not be the best route for you to take.

I’m learning and growing in all of this. If you see me in the wild maybe you can help. Share something you’re learning or trying. If your kids are older, maybe you can tell me about something that worked well for you IF you had a little person with a personality like mine. I’m pretty sure with God’s help we can do this together. Here’s a thought: What if everything just works out?