There's no such thing as an expert gardener.
There's no such thing as an expert parent either, but there are some good ways to go about raising children.
I’m currently finishing up reading the book Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein. One of the recurring themes in the book is about expertise. Fun fact: did you know that cardiac patients tend to get better results when the world’s leading cardiologists are NOT in their office treating patients but rather out of the office attending a cardiology conference? The thesis of the book is that specialists tend to look at the world with the lens of their narrow field of expertise and apply the tools they have seen work in the past. The issue is that very often a broader set of tools will actually yield better results in the real world.
Another concept related to expertise is the learning environment you find yourself in. A friendly learning environment is when you receive immediate feedback and it consistently gives you the right answer. A wicked learning environment on the other hand is one where feedback takes a long time to receive and the results of your tests do not always point in the right direction.
Gardening is a great example of a wicked learning environment. Marissa and I have been wondering recently: Is anyone actually an expert gardener? The most experienced gardener in the whole world has at most 70 or 80 repetitions (growing seasons that is.) Can you imagine if a hockey player only took 80 shots in their life, and we called them an “expert” hockey player? In gardening you could put things in the ground with the right soil, in the right spot, but a late frost comes along and knocks out almost your entire crop. It’s really hard to know if you’re actually getting better at gardening or if the things you’re trying at working at all.
A kind learning environment might be practicing most sports. If you’re shooting a basketball it’s easy to know immediately if you’re making your free throws or not. It’s easy to get a lot of practice and measure your incremental improvements.
Now to the subject of this blog: parenting. Is parenting a wicked or kind learning environment? It’s my belief that parenthood is one of the cruelest of wicked learning environments. The progression of child rearing is SLOW. There are so many variables that are out of our control. When we try a discipline technique it may work but I may work for the wrong reasons. It doesn’t help that we’re automatically so emotionally invested in it. My Grandpa, Harold, used to joke that “parenting is one of the only jobs where you’re out of work by the time you get any experience.”
With that in mind I have three thoughts:
You’re probably not an expert parent. It’s really tempting to give advice to other parents about what worked for me with my kids. But what’s true is that my sample size is small and that what works for me might just be lucky or only work on these kids. Learning how to be a parent is slow and unreliable. I’m not an expert and you’re probably not one either.
It really is essential to rely on God in this. These are little autonomous people that belong to Him. Author Jeff Vanderstelt used to tell his kids “I’m not your real dad.” If this is true, praying for them is one of the most important things we can do for them.
You CAN create a kind learning environment for kids. If you have clear expectations and they know that there will be a consequence both positive and negative when they meet or fail to live up to those expectations, it’s likely to create the kind of environment where they will grow and succeed. Be consistent. It’s hard at the moment. I’m not great at it but I think he helps to know that sometimes what’s hard is actually what’s most kind.